Pressing In

                                                          Every so often, a force as strong as gravity pulls me to the face of the ocean. I have no expectations when I am here, no desires, but to watch the waves and listen to the sounds of them.  I can do this for hours. I don't need the weather to be one way or the other.  I just have to see the waves.   I can't think of anything else in life that can bring me to sit in silence and adoration that long without feeling restless, being bored, feeling that I am wasting time or thinking of the next thing that I need to do.  In the face of these waves, I just come to be.  For me it is a tangible place that is  like coming to sit in the presence of God.  The ocean roars of His majesty, His glory, and His power.  When I am in front of these waves that would reach out and swallow me whole if they weren't given boundaries, I am both enveloped with this familiar juxtaposition of a healthy fear and an indescribable peace.  This broad

       ODE to the Bleeding Hearts Here’s to all the mothers, lovers, brothers, friends.  To all the fathers, sisters and children. This is to each of you,  who after whatever sleep you were able to find last night, slowly opened your eyes this morning.  And then remembered. For that moment when you realized it wasn’t just a terrible dream and you close your eyes again, hoping to forget. For that sharp, stabbing pain of loss right in the middle of your gut that goes so deep that even your soul literally hurts, literally feels pain.  For you as you curl up in a vain attempt to hold it together as hot tears fall from your face and sounds escape you that you don’t recognize. This is for however many mornings that you face in this exact same way and wish you could just go back to sleep and not ever remember the reality again.   This is for you Dear One, as you try to process through a fog what this means for today.  As you tiptoe through this strange reality that you’re not

                                                                               Sometimes in the funky seasons, when things seem quiet and lonely, we have to go back to rest on what has already been spoken; what has already been proven. When the quiet aches of our hearts ring so loudly in our ears and it's hard to hear beyond the noise.  When we find ourselves empty and unsure of which way to move or if we want to move at all.  When we can come to the end of ourselves and vain searches to fill the voids and can open our hands that are scarred and bleeding from gripping tightly to memories of yesterday for fear of losing them all together. When we can look up to see the ones that we love that are here, rather than withholding love because we are busy looking down at these hands dripping crimson.  For the conflicting places of our soul that want freedom and hope, but don't want to let go of the lonely comforts of the pain. For the chaos and confusion that keep us from hearin

                                                                                                 Fully Surrendered                                     I stood in front of the beautiful, snow laced scenery.  I admired the beauty of the mountains, the trees and landscape all covered in white and the icy river that divided the land.  I let my eyes rest on the aged wood that laid out as a shield before me in the form of a study fence. Protecting me from the vastness on the other side that held so much mystery and uncertainty.  I decided to imagine what it would feel like to pretend the fence gone. I was surprised by the quickening of my heart rate and rush of adrenaline and anxiousness I felt almost immediately once I did!  I was even more surprised at this kind of reaction and the vividness of my imagination as this snow covered scene was merely a mur

      Up until now, I have never opened this blog to the public. To anyone actually. It just started out as some sort of a journal for myself, but since I am not tech savvy and have a hard time sitting in front of a screen for long, I tend to write directly into my real life journal.=)       If anyone ever reads this, you will note that I started this a few years ago, and haven't posted much. However, I just wanted to note that though those entries are not the most current in my life, they are still just as heartfelt now as they were then. In fact, as I went back to read them, I did get a bit emotional at times because they brought me back to those very special, very real places in my life.  We have 5 kids.   They are all wonderful and I am proud of them all and WOW , what an adventure!! Our family is by no means perfect and I hope to never paint that picture here or anywhere else. We are all a little wild, it seems. As much as I can't stand it, our house is regularly messy.

                                                       Sushi    I don't even care for Sushi, but that is the first thing that comes to my mind when I try to describe my life right now. Not at all because I don't care for my life, but because my everything seems so simply complex.  When someone asks me how I am doing, I wish I could just say, "Sushi" and that they would get it without looking at me weird.  Last week marked the one year anniversary of my sister Ashley passing away and the one month mark of my mama passing away.  What the heck?! I'm not even sure if that is computing in  my brain fully. Jesse was kind enough to protect this night for me to be home alone, to do whatever I want or even "curl up in a ball and cry", he suggested. Not because he  gets joy when I curl up in a ball and cry, but because it just seems the thing that I probably ought to do at some point here.  I haven't been alone yet, to really process much of anything regar