Sushi

                                                       Sushi

   I don't even care for Sushi, but that is the first thing that comes to my mind when I try to describe my life right now. Not at all because I don't care for my life, but because my everything seems so simply complex.  When someone asks me how I am doing, I wish I could just say, "Sushi" and that they would get it without looking at me weird.  Last week marked the one year anniversary of my sister Ashley passing away and the one month mark of my mama passing away.  What the heck?! I'm not even sure if that is computing in  my brain fully. Jesse was kind enough to protect this night for me to be home alone, to do whatever I want or even "curl up in a ball and cry", he suggested. Not because he  gets joy when I curl up in a ball and cry, but because it just seems the thing that I probably ought to do at some point here.  I haven't been alone yet, to really process much of anything regarding my mom this last month, especially as we have been smacked up side the head with a completely different issue in our home that demands full attention.  So, I suppose crying should be the thing to do, but right now, I just don't feel like I can.  I feel like the Lord has given me an extra measure of strength to make it through this unpredictable gale. Though most storms are unpredictable, the one thing that has been consistent is the full, presence, love and comfort of the Lord. This is not cliche. This is real. His presence moves in extra close in difficult seasons, so much so, that as crazy as it sounds, when the sailing is smooth, I sometimes anticipate the next disturbance.  That sounds whacky even as I write it. I certainly don't mean that I enjoy or look forward to heartbreak by any means, but at this point in my life, when I look back over all my years and all the shadowy spots, I see clearly, on the other side of them, that God was consistent and present and trustworthy and I figure, if He has gotten me through all the valleys of my past, that by now, I can trust Him to walk me through all the ones of my future.
    This is partly why I feel like sushi is a good word for me.  This last year and a half has been one of great heartbreak for me and my family. I have temporarily lost two of the closest women in my life. Ones that have known me the longest.   However, despite their absence, there has been profound blessings all around me, every day.  It was no accident that I picked up Ann Voskamp's book,  One Thousand Gifts, this last winterish/spring.   In fact, this was the book that I also was reading to my mama in her last days.  Besides the Bible, I haven't read a book so far that was more life changing and directed my perspective so significantly. It just nailed in what the Lord has been showing me in this season.  Why, I have seen so many beautiful sunrises and sunsets and shared so many kisses with my husband and hugs from my kids, and last conversations and hugs with my mom and sunshine on my face and a pillow to lay my head, and parents and siblings to sit along side, whether in tears or in smiles or sometimes both at the same time! I get to daily  sit at my table and eat food that the Lord has provided, along side my favorite people that HE gave me. I have the joy of just rolling in the car for various adventures with Jesse and the kids. ( In fact, we all just recently stood together on the rocky edge of the earth and stood in awe and wonder at the ginormous, and mysterious beasts of the sea, we call whales, as they playfully surrounded us, almost as if they were showing off! So close that a few of us had the pleasure of seeing their eyes!) I have friends that love and support me and cheer me on and pray for me and bring meals and hugs and kindness. Best of all, people have come to know the love of God and be touched by Him, directly through these deaths!  I honestly could go on and on and on and on, I think we all could.  The point is, yes, there has been sorrow and pain, but my word!- there have been joys!! ( I get that is terrible sentence structure, but sometimes, there is just no other way!=) Multiple joys, all from the hand of my Father.  How can I drown in a sea of sorrow when the water is just as full of joy?! Oh, what a marvelous combination!  In no way am I saying that there won't be or aren't days where sorrow squeezes in extra close, and in no way am I making light of grief, or everyone's unique way of wearing it. I acknowledge that there are times when you feel like your legs are cemented into grief with no hope of getting out, and for some, perhaps it has felt that way everyday since that day.  I am simply processing where I am, in this moment.  A mixture of all sorts of things; joys, sorrows,  frustration,  warmth, kindness, tears and thankfully some laughter from time to time, all wrapped up snug in His goodness and faithfulness and love and comforting presence. Kinda like sushi...