Great Is Thy Faithfulness

      ODE to the Bleeding Hearts

Here’s to all the mothers, lovers, brothers, friends.  To all the fathers, sisters and children. This is to each of you,  who after whatever sleep you were able to find last night, slowly opened your eyes this morning.  And then remembered. For that moment when you realized it wasn’t just a terrible dream and you close your eyes again, hoping to forget. For that sharp, stabbing pain of loss right in the middle of your gut that goes so deep that even your soul literally hurts, literally feels pain.  For you as you curl up in a vain attempt to hold it together as hot tears fall from your face and sounds escape you that you don’t recognize. This is for however many mornings that you face in this exact same way and wish you could just go back to sleep and not ever remember the reality again.  

This is for you Dear One, as you try to process through a fog what this means for today.  As you tiptoe through this strange reality that you’re not quite convinced of. And this is for when you are.  For all the words that people offer you, that for some reason, don’t mean much, for the questions you have, the regrets that may harass you, that awful bottomless emptiness that you feel and the details that demand your attention even at a time like this.  For you as you watch life carrying on full speed all around you, while yours stands still and you wonder how the world can just carry on like nothing happened. 

 For you, Sweet Lover as you are left with only cold memories of the years of warmth you two shared on this sacred space as you reach over to his side of the bed begging for the feel of his skin, but coming up empty.  Again. This is for you as you replay over and over and over your last moments together, wishing you knew it was the last hug, the last kiss, the last look. This is for you as you swish that memory around and around like a good wine, not wanting to let it go. Afraid to forget every detail about it.  The way he looked at you, the feel of his hands, the lines around his eyes as he smiled at you that last time. Those last moments oddly sharper in the memory than they were in the moment.

This is for you Mama, as your heart breaks in too many pieces to fix. As it bleeds with every thought of every day for however long it takes.  As you remember your baby. As you flash back everyday, several times a day watching the movie reel in your mind of so many memories from those first moments when you held your tiny bundle  all the way to the day they left you. Feeling cheated that you didn’t go before them. That you got the days that you wished for them. Here’s for that moment when your purse went flying and your cries  of agony filled that hospital. And here’s to the scarce moments you find to yourself to put your face in your pillow, clutching, screaming, sobbing. I love you. 

For you Daddy, on those days when you’re tormented wondering what you could have done to protect your child, no matter their age.   Those days when you blame yourself. For the nightmares that plagued you and made it impossible to sleep. For the agony you feel at not being able to change the outcome and the pressure you feel to smother your pain in an effort to be strong for everyone else.    Here’s to all those days that you refused to leave the house, in hopes that you were mistaken, and that any day she/he would walk through that door. She was your baby girl. He was your best friend. Here’s to you both, Mama and Daddy to let it out. To let it bleed. To feel the freedom to come undone.  To find your way to healing. 

Here’s to you my brother, my sister, who lost your best friend.  To you as you try to find your way. As you live each day feeling lost in another world.  Another day. As you see a crack of light but don’t have the strength to move forward. I see you.  She loves you. You can do it. Focus on that Light. Your strength will come.  

Here’s to the mom or dad who didn’t agree to doing this alone.  You, whose heart is broken, but parenting won’t let you stop. For  those lonely nights and the suffocating feeling that you can’t do this without them.  That you can’t do one more day. Hang On. Don’t give up. I believe in you.

To you Precious Child, that feels alone and uncovered in a great big world.  For all those snuggles and hugs and nights of being tucked in that are left undone. For all those questions you have.    For all their things that remind you; their shoes where they left them, the make up on the counter, their lingering, but fleeting smell. For the home you lost.  For the ache and vulnerability that you feel, that no one around you is feeling quite the same. Here’s to you Little One as you wander around the house with your blanky looking, but not finding.  Here is to you as you say goodbye to the one who chased away your fears and kissed away your tears. Here’s to you sweet Children, not knowing what the future might have for you. Cling to Jesus. He will hold you.  He will keep you safe. 

Here’s to you all as you face that empty space at the dinner table, the terribly loud gap in your next family photo, and the painful dates that come and go pulling you further away..

                     Here’s to you, Bleeding Hearts.  Here’s to you...