Great Is Thy Faithfulness

                                                       

                       Sometimes in the funky seasons, when things seem quiet and lonely, we have to go back to rest on what has already been spoken; what has already been proven. When the quiet aches of our hearts ring so loudly in our ears and it's hard to hear beyond the noise.  When we find ourselves empty and unsure of which way to move or if we want to move at all.  When we can come to the end of ourselves and vain searches to fill the voids and can open our hands that are scarred and bleeding from gripping tightly to memories of yesterday for fear of losing them all together. When we can look up to see the ones that we love that are here, rather than withholding love because we are busy looking down at these hands dripping crimson.  For the conflicting places of our soul that want freedom and hope, but don't want to let go of the lonely comforts of the pain. For the chaos and confusion that keep us from hearing the truth and knowing what to do. For when we feel fragmented or wonder if we are crazy or question just how far we are from it.  When those stormy clouds pass over low and and block out the light and attempt to make us forget that the sun is still on the other side.

                        I have found myself here again. In these places where I'm not sure if I am dying or coming to life.  Like a seed that breaks open and dies to bring forth life of a different form.  My heart has been heavy the last weeks as I ponder life, love, loss and disappointment.  I am learning who I am post the death of my mom and sister. It is true that I will never be the same woman. There is a part of me that feels as though it has died, but not without breaking open first to give life to something new. Something changed. Something beautiful. Even still, in that transition, it is still hard to know some days whether I am dying or coming to life.  Even as I learn to release new things-namely adutltish children  that I want to cling tightly too, that I want to control and manipulate to make sure it all turns out well; there is this conflicting tension that makes it hard to differentiate whether  my heart and hands are releasing or hanging tight.  But in these intricate places of heartache and life and love and seeds that have been planted in my soul long ago that are still unbirthed,  and all the uncertanties that are weaved into them, I have found that I have to go back to what I do know.

                   These last few months I have not sought the Lord much. It has seemed like work. I haven't been able to understand how my seeking  Him went from a necessity and exciting to feeling mundane and boring. I do know that the Creator of the Universe is the furthest Being from boring, I know that the issue is in my heart, but this knowledge alone doesn't  change my apathetic heart.  I know where to find peace and hope and truth and direction, but I don't want to invest my time there. Other things vie for my time, important things like my phone screen. I am weary of  not being settled in with a consistent community of people and it's starting to show.  I am sad because I miss my sister and my mom and my kids are growing too quickly and I feel disappointed in the decisions of one of my kids and confused on what I ought to be doing and pursuing in this season in life.  I didn't want to be around strangers Yesterday, I decided not to go to church. I didn't want to. I'm tired of showing up on Sundays to hear someone speak and sit shoulder to shoulder with people and then go home. I also know this is partly on me.   Either way, I found myself in my bed yesterday not wanting to get up , but my thoughts started to sound a bit more like a pity party.  Then came the tender nudgings, beckoning me  to spend time pondering the faithfulness of God.   I have never really pondered His faithfulness much before because I know He is faithful, but it dawned on me yesterday that something in me isn't  believing in God's faithfulness.  Somewhere I have lost sight.  I have heard a man of wisdom say that, "Any area of our life for which we have no hope is under the influence of a lie."  And yesterday, I was recognizing some places where I had dropped hope and so then, also faith in God's faithfulness. I saw my need to go back to what I once knew.  So though I broke up my minutes with the Lord throughout the day, I was bathed in His truth as I opened His word and read scriptures of His faithfulness and that His name is, "Faithful and True." And still others like;

     "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love Him and keep His commandments..." Deut. 7:9a

    " He who call you is faithful; he will surely do it."    1 Thess. 5:24

   " But the Lord is faithful.  He will establish you and guard you against the evil one." 2 Thess. 3:3

   "....if we are faithless, He remains faithful."  2 Tim. 2:13

  "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."            Hebrews 10:23

       As I read these words they were like healing balm over my mind and my soul.  Before I even turned to those passages, His message of faithfulness reached out to me all throughout the day from a song I hadn't heard before that kept playing itself over and again and reached out through you tube to massage my knotted heart and remind me over and over that all my life He has been faithful.   Those words that sung out grabbed my hand and walked me back over my life at His constant faithfulness. Constant. Constant presence and provision.  Those memories planted  another song in my heart that kept escaping my lips and making their way to my ears; Great is Thy Faithfulness.." All I have needed, Your hand hath provided, great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!"  That same line is all I really know of that song, but that truth just kept sinking into my heart as it slipped off of my tongue in  just more than a whisper.  Then, I remembered that  last Tuesday I was at a function and the gal led us all in this very same song, although that day, I sang it quite without heart or thought or love. In fact, I mouthed most of the song with the wrong words because I only knew my one line and the chorus. I was not into it, I was not feeling it and in all honesty my eyes were probably rolling on the inside.  My heart was feeling frumpy and grumpy and that's the truth.  Even still as those same words that I carelessly muttered last Tuesday rolled of my tongue yesterday the connection was successful.  The black and red lined up just right on the battery of my soul and I felt the jump.   I had about 20 minutes until I needed to drop my daughter off in town, so I made my way out to the tire swing.  I just wanted to scroll on my phone for some good traveling deals and anything else I could pass time by with, but I could feel that continual tapping and invitation to put the phone down and to ponder His faithfulness some more. As I sat there clinging to the rope of the swing and swaying under that old oak, trusting it to support me as it has proven to before,  I was reminded of what He has already told me about the importance of  the  rhythm of remembrance;  "Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children's children..."  Deuteronomy 4:9 "    Oh, the importance of  remembering  His goodness and what we already know of Him and His faithfulness and provisions.  How easy we forget. 

For me, one day turned into another of not seeking Him, not revering, not remembering and days turned into weeks and then into months which like an untended garden have left me choked out on the worries of life and the chaos of my mind.  What else would I expect if I have not subjected myself to the care of the Gardener, who if I place myself in His presence daily will expose and pull up those pesky little weeds before they grow and choke out.  The One who waters me with peace and establishes me in truth. Yikes. I have wandered down a lonely and barren road.  I have dried up.  Today when I was praying I saw my self as hard, packed, dried out earth, fragmented by so many different cracks.  The solution was simple. I saw a picture of Him just pouring water over me as a watering can until the dirt turned into mud and became soft and whole and one.  "You have to stay in My presence."  "Just stay close." I hear Him say.  My tears come. The watering.  "What about my son, Lord?"  The reality of my distrust exposing itself with those words. "Amanda, I love him more."   His words immediately bring solace to my heart and I look up. Of coarse, Lord.   I sit up to write and make space on my desk to see if I can find words for this entry about His faithfulness.   About how when we lose our way because we forget to listen, we can retrace our steps to what He last said.  To how we have seen His faithfulness over and over again weaved in and out as the hem of our lives.  We just have to hang on tight to what we remember when we wander into the fog.   We just need to sit down right there and not take another step without grabbing on to what He already showed us and just call out in that place and wait for Him.  We need to wait for ourselves to recalibrate to His truth and His goodness.  We need to cling onto these truths while we wait for Him to rescue us once again. Because He will and He does.  He is faithful. His name is Faithful and True.   So, as I clear a space on my desk to write, out drops a book mark that a friend made for a recent women's retreat.  When I first saw it on that day at the retreat, I glanced at the words with as much enthusiasm as I pretended to sing them last Tuesday, but when I saw them today on this bookmark that fell out on my desk, I just smiled. Of course Lord.  Here are the words to that song, printed on this pretty little bookmark;

                       "O God my Father, There is no shadow of turning with Thee; Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not. As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.  Great is Thy faithfulness!   Great is Thy faithfulness! Morning by morning new mercies I see; All I have needed Thy hand hath provided-
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!"

          Thank You Lord, for even being faithful to remind me of Your faithfulness when in my faithlessness, I lose my way. Thank you that you are my God. The God who rescues. The God who says, "

                 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."       Isaiah 43:1b-3a