What Now?

 

        Recently, I went out to my usual spot for my usual run. It was the kind of morning when I was especially feeling like running. I find I like to run the best when I am wrestling with something. Whether its an effort to run away from something or a physical expression of running to Jesus, I'm not completely sure, but it usually seems to be both. I particularly love those days when I just need a good cry and I get to run in the rain and just let my tears mix with the rain on my face. Such a sweet release.
  On this particular day though, I was wanting to release some pent up energy. Some frustration and confusion about my new place in life that I haven't quite figured out what to do with yet. As I was just starting on my third mile however, my knee threw in the towel. Annoyed, I limped around on it for a bit hoping to just walk it out so I could finish my run. It was clear after a few attempts at this that I wasn't going to be able to finish the distance I had hoped. At least not at the pace I had planned. "Now what?", I whined to the Lord.  "Is there something you have for me instead?." The word that was impressed on my mind the moment I asked was, "SEE."  It was such a special reminder for me. I immediately looked up from myself and around me. This is a trail I have been on more times than I know and before I ever started running, I walked it. In fact, before running, one of my favorite things to do on a regular basis was to go on nature walks. I LOVED being outside and enjoying the sights, smells and sounds of God's creation. When I home schooled our children, nature walks were a regular part of our routine. The older two kids, would usually moan about it when I would tell them we were heading out, but very soon after we arrived and started on our way, everyone was enjoying themselves and we all walked with a sense of wonder and exploration.
  Now, I rarely go on a nature walk. If I drive out to the trails it is for the purpose of running. On this day though, when the Lord asked me to see, I did. I admired the surrounding fields and trees and the old farm house I was just making my way past. I all of a sudden heard different birds singing their various tunes and the sound of the creek. Both sounds I used to enjoy so much that its hard to believe I have actually come to a point where I run this trail now through the trees and over the bridge and don't even hear these sounds that are so audible and beautiful. As I walked along I closed my eyes and it was so easy to imagine being on that trail with all five of my kiddos. I could almost hear the sounds of them talking and gigging as they scattered every which way observing flowers and looking for frogs and nutes. In fact it was so easy to see in my memory that I fully expected to open my eyes and see Ezra, 5 years ago- a precious, sturdy short stack of rough and tough and love and laughs complete with those chubby hands and cheeks. I fully expected to open my eyes and have to remind them all once again to stay in the middle of the trail so they don't rub up against the poison oak! So as silly as it may sound, though I was not too far from reality  in my reminiscing, I was greatly  disappointed when I opened my eyes and it was still just me on the trail. I certainly shed some tears in that moment and asked out loud, partly to myself and partly to the Lord, "Where did my little kids go?"  Then, I asked the Lord if He had me to walk just to make me sad.  Though I know that God doesn't work that way and doesn't love to make us sad, I realized that I was out there to run from the realities of my place in life right now (the kids all being in school and me not being sure what that means for me) and The Lord was inviting me to slow down and to really look at them. To enjoy the memories and to trust Him with the future, not to try to outrun the insecurities and questions.  And also to enjoy where I am at now, I still have some kids to love on for crying out loud! My job is not finished, it's just different. I suppose its okay for me to learn what that is going to look like for our family and not run out to find all that I can to fill my time and that space in an effort to make myself  feel like I am worthy of something. Whatever that is.  To not be so distraught over change and my kids growing up that I miss savoring where they are at now and the new things the Lord has for me to learn. To be okay at slowing down ( which is very hard for me) and enjoying a season of walking and learning and refreshment rather than running right past the beauty that surrounds me.
   In the meantime the reality of parenting teenagers has hit me hard in the last two weeks. It seems like where when they were younger and I would disapprove of behavior that now that disapproval feels more like disappointment.  Though I was physically exhausted when they were all young, it now feels like an emotional strain. Like they constantly have my heart clutched in their hands. And I am learning that I can appeal to them, but I can't change their hearts or spiritually cleanse them or make them walk fully in their callings. Our roles just feel a bit different now and that reality has formed a strange collision with my ideas. All those things are in God's hands. He is the only One who can move their hearts and wash them. That has somehow been freeing to realize this and if I can remember this I think it will make me less likely to parent out of fear and anger and control and allow me to show more grace as God does to us. He parents us and comes at us based on His calling on our lives as what we were created to be, not on the process of us getting there and our mistakes. (Jesus renaming Peter is a wonderful example of that) Thank God for that!!
  I honestly still don't know what any of this means for this year as far as if I get a job or go to school or just continue to be open to what God has for me each new day and week and serve as He calls me.  All I do know is that I want to serve Him well. I want to bring Him glory and I want to fall more in love with Him in this unique time He has given me this year.