It's Okay to Struggle

   

                                                      
          

      It wasn't that long ago that I would just wallow in frustration with myself for falling short
on things that I really felt I ought to do better at or have down by now. I would carry such guilt
and shame over these things and not understand why I was still praying for freedom from the same things I was praying about for the last 5 or even 10 years! It was so darn frustrating to me.
The example that stands out to me the most and the freshest was my struggle with anger. I had never considered myself to be an angry person. In fact, I really considered myself to be pretty fun-loving and selfless.  Well, humility and reality hit me square in the face, as I started to have children and realized that maybe I wasn't as selfless as I had perceived, and that when I am stretched thin and exhausted,  fun-loving is certainly the last thing I am!  What surprised me the most though,  was the frustration and anger I had the capacity to feel with my kids in those moments of weakness and when they were all little, it felt like I was drowning in that weakness most of the day. I had said I would never be a yeller when I had kids. ( Now, at this phase in life, I have just learned not to say " I will never..." do anyting, because the strangest thing is, that every time I have said this, it always turns out as "In a matter of time, I will do...")   However, that has not been the case!  It has been painful, frustrating and humbling to have struggled with this so long, despite so much prayer for freedom from this,  but transformation doesn't happen overnight.  5 or 10 years to me is a long time, but to God, who is not limited by time and is infinite, what is 5 or 10 years?  Nanoseconds? Maybe not even that! 
     I can understand this better if I think of it as I do as a parent, with my own children.  Especially 
when they are little and their concept of time is quite undeveloped.  My four year old had a really
hard time understanding what it meant that he would go to grandma's "next week".  So everyday he would ask, "Is this the day?"  Or picture a car ride with children.  Though a two hour drive may not seem long to us, you know it seems long to a child who is constantly asking,"Are
we there yet?"   Even asking a small child to sit still for just five minutes can seem like torturous hours to them!  When I consider this, a child's concept of time and how minutes seem like endless hours to them, it helps me better understand how off my perception of time is compared to God's.  Praying for something for what may be years for us, is just a blink to God!
      It encourages me to learn that its okay to struggle. Growth takes time.  This is challenging for us in a culture where we have quick and convenient for so many things!  I am not saying its okay to just sit where we are in sin and hope things get better.  We do have to be active and seek God in it, but our struggles keep us at God's feet.  They help us keep in perspective who we are and who He is and what we would be without Him.  Hopeless.  We should not be hopeless in our struggles, but hopeful for the work that God is doing in and through us despite our weaknesses, because those are the kind of people God has always used to advance His kingdom!

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18